"Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
I can quote scripture like that till my face is blue and not mean a word of it... I can sing songs asking God to have my life, and inside be hanging on so tight that it kills me... I dont know if any of you have been where I am at right now. But its painfully amazing!!
I was at the supper table with my husband to be. Holding in all the frustrations that I had from the day. trying to seem like everything was ok (y do I even bother acting strong?) He saw right through it, mainly because the frustration was seeping out and started being aimed at him. He asked if I was ok and out of nowhere all the hurt and frustration and fear and anger just started pouring out. While I was venting he took a piece of paper and started drawing. When I was done I looked at the paper.... There in the corner of the blank page was a cross. nothin to fantastic about it just 2 doodled lines formed together to mark the one thing I was forgetting in my life.
I went upstairs to my office and kinda figured he was right..... It took me a little while to understand just how right he was! You see My life was that huge piece of paper. It was covered with the way I was feeling and all the stuff I had to get done..... and over in the corner somewhere was Jesus... nothing to fantastic just a God I run 2 when I wanna feel Holy..The one Man I was forgetting when I looked at "my life" I got up from my desk and went to the middle of my office and cried out to God.
How selfish Ive been..... How completely washed up in My will that showing people the love that I have been given was on the back burner, and freaking out at the way people were treating ME was in its place....
I sat there... on the floor being flooded with the grace of Jesus. all the fears of the future.. gone. all the resentment.... switched to wanting to love those people. You see, Christ came to love the unlovable.... THAT WAS ME!!!! I was the one on my way 2 Hell because I completely deserved it!!! and Jesus came and died and gave me His free gift of life and Mercy and Love that I cant even describe... And somehow I think im anything important? I am nothing w/o Jesus!! (Pssssst..... So r u!!!) and all He wants us to do is remember that. and to live like we are Hopelessly Loved by a Holy and righteous God BECAUSE WE ARE!!!!